Naphsha Malkuta … Again

You think that the goal is to be over there, and we say the goal is the journey over there; the goal is the fun you have along the way on your way to over there.  — Abraham

This came in my inbox this morning… and you know… I read quotes like this, and I believe them, I really do.  But sometimes, when I find myself moving through the journey, and I’m faced yet again with the darkness that shows up in me that is anything but “fun”, I go “f**k really?”… “again?”.  

Intellectually I get that life IS light and dark, and the interplay between the two.  It isn’t all about fighting and eradicating the toxicity and the darkness – nor is it all about just being the light, and having fun, and sunshine and unicorns all the time.  If that were the case, we would cease to be a human on this planet.

But I still find myself in judgement when stuff I thought was gone at least enough for me to continue stepping into what I’m actively choosing daily as my new life – as my new reality experiencing being “alive” and all that comes with BEING gloriously “here” on this planet; comes back and bites me in the ass.

Some people have written me, asking what’s up… and saying “Trae, you’re getting cryptic with your posts on FaceBook again…” And it’s because I’m embarrassed actually.  I’m in this sea of confusion that is my experience of myself right now, choosing with grace and compassion to move through whatever my truth is in the moment, and I’m at a loss to express what I’m feeling with any clarity.

I realize that the reason we are here, is to BE on the journey of pulling back the illusion of being separate – from source, from each other.  That the reason we exist, is to give ourselves permission to be truly “alive” – to Learn, and then it’s a matter of Receiving (6 Acts of Receiving) whatever possibility and potentiality is just hanging out there for us, for us to embrace something better, more, different or new than we ever thought possible…

In Aramaic, the words I’ve found for the journey are Naphsha – the subconscious soul-self, and Malkuta – empowerment or inner revolution

But here I am, yet again, floating in the space of “not-knowing” anything for myself moment to moment, let alone what’s next specifically for me.  I’m soul-energy learning what it means to be the woman who is me, here, in this lifetime… and my “system” that would be on auto-pilot – some things being held cellularly in my body, and really old beliefs that I don’t even think were ever mine… want to resist, and make the releasing of what no longer serves me, a struggle — and now, well, I’m just getting angry.

For those who want more specifics, through the work of some beautiful people in my life, I’ve learned from different sources, that my “system” is still hanging on to trauma.  I won’t get into details on the nature of the abuse, but it’s the kind of thing that, while I never had any formal diagnoses, I have had treatment sufficiently for behaviours akin to PTSD, acute anxiety disorder, severe depression, etc.

And it’s showing up now, in the form of me experiencing erratic emotions, shaking, and physical areas like my hips, seizing up… It’s scary. Because I haven’t had such little control of my body in about 7-8 years… Interestingly enough, it was 7 years ago that I separated from my former husband, almost to the month; and when I’m coming up on one year with the wonderful man I am sharing my world with right now.  A man who is challenged by his own journey too.  Coincidence?  I don’t think so.

So for those of you who think that what I’m going through is about Robert and I, please know, that whatever challenges I am experiencing, that it’s not as surface as that.  It has to do with the joys (and saying that feels sarcastic right now) of being on the journey of letting go of what doesn’t serve, and giving myself permission to Receive something better, than anything else.

I’m doing what is in my highest good, to enmass the support I need to release what is going on in my body and mind, and to help it be with my soul, and my heart and the bridge between them that is my mind, and give myself permission to ride this wave with as much grace and ease as I can handle.

And in truth, if it wasn’t for this man in my life, who demonstrates his own version of courage with his own challenges day by day, and if it wasn’t for our ability to talk truthfully with each other about everything, I probably wouldn’t be here right now. As warped as it may sound, I believe I’m here, experiencing what I am right now, because of everything I’ve been in my life so far, and because Robert IS who he is with all his flaws and all his strengths.

So please be patient as I move through this… I wouldn’t trade one minute of this “ick” I’m in right now, for hiding in the (previous) me that has brought me here to this point, for one more moment.

Categories: “Being” in the Signals, Musings on Messiness, Shifting… Again

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